Dinosaur Rides

There’s an  urban legend that Biff Tannen accurately predicted that a baseball team from Florida would win the World Series in 1997. Whether it be confused memory or maybe just plain old exaggeration, no such prediction was ever made. Here’s what did happen:

In 1989 the real joke was the idea of the Cubs winning a world Series at all, against any team, especially a non existent one like the pictured Miami Gators. The makers of Back to the Future weren’t so much interested in playing Nostradamus as they were poking fun at the endless futility of the Chicago Cubs.

But with 2015 still 3 years away, it is possible for Back to the Future 2′s prediction to come true. Of course there are a few chinks in the armor. Miami was awarded an MLB franchise in 1990(a year after the release of BTTF 2), in the form of the Florida Marlins. Not quite the same as the bat-wielding gator pictured in the movie. And the Marlins, as well as the Cubs, are both in the national league, meaning that it would be impossible for these teams to face each other in the World Series. Is it possible that The Cubs will win the World Series in 2015 against a “gator” themed team from Miami? Here’s what needs to happen for Back to the Future 2 to be proven correct:

1. The Flordia Marlins would Have to be a Miami specific team.
2. Either the Cubs or the Marlins Would have to switch to the American League
3. The Marlins Would Have to Change their Name to the Alligators(or at the very least change their logo to an Alligator wearing a blue baseball cap).
4. The Cubs and the Florida Marlins would have to win their League Championships
5. The Cubs will have to Sweep the “Miami” team in the World Series.

Seems like a whole lot of factors that need to fall perfectly in place in order to make it happen. But the funny thing is, numbers 1 is already happening, and number 2 is a strong possibility. Here’s how I see the events unfolding:

2012: With the expansion of the Tampa Bay Rays in  1998, it feels unfair for one team to refer to themselves as the Florida baseball team. So the Florida Marlins will be opening their 2012 season as the “Miami Marlins”. The move is meant to strengthen the Marlin’s ties to the city, as well as appease the Tampa Bay Ray’s fan.

Ok, so that satisfies one of the necessary criteria, but no big deal right. We would still need one of those teams to change leagues. No way that’s going to happen!

2013-2014: Hold on now? MLB commissioner, Bud “Get off my Damn lawn, you kids!” Selig is seriously considering sending a national league  team to the American League?

Why does this guy always look like someones trying to explain to him how email works?

What's Your Answer for That One, Jackass?

2014: As morbid as this may sound, something awful is going to have to happen to a major Florida celebrity. I know, I know, but somebody is going to have to sacrifice their lives in order to prove Back to the Future 2 right(We’re not gonna have Hoverboards anytime soon, so this is all we’ve got). Possibilities include Gloria Estefan being stabbed in the throat by a rogue marlin, or Daniel Tosh caught molesting the majestic fish during a private tour of Sea World. Think about it, if one of these incidents(or something similar were to occur) the team would have no choice but to change their name(For instance, the NBA’s Washington Bullets became the Washington Wizards in 95, thanks to DC’s growing homicide rate).  So if the Marlins are out, and if Miami sticks with the indigenous Florida animal motif, let’s see what new team names are possible:1. River Otters
2. Tortoises
3. Long Tailed Weasal
4. Hooded Seal
5.  AlligatorSince river otters and tortoises aren’t likely to strike fear in the hearts of any opponents, and long-tailed weasel and hooded seal both sound like nicknames for a penis, alligator is the most logical choice. Give that gator a blue baseball cap and you’ve got the face of an MLB Franchise.

But even if all these ill-fitting jigsaw puzzle pieces fall perfectly into place, who’s to say that either the newly christened Miami Gators or Chicago Cubs would be successful enough to win their respective pennants in  2015?

2012: Theo Epstein, the former Red Sox GM during both their 2004 and 2007 World Series victories, is looking to bring some of that curse-snapping magic to the Cubs as their new president. The Cub’s owners have practically offered Epstein carte blanche, giving him permission to find a new skipper, cut loose  under-performing, over-paid players like Alfonso Soriano and pursue big name free agents (many are predicting that the Cubs will sign Prince Fielder, one of the biggest names on the market). Teams don’t usually go from worst to first in back to back seasons(although there’s plenty of examples of it occurring) but three years could be a reasonable amount of time to build a contender.Which brings us to the franchise formerly known as the Florida Marlins. Despite their notoriously low payroll, the team’s got a history of still being able to compete. Having won two World Series in a little over two decades, and a 2011 where the team was able to trail the dominating Phillies by just a few games for the first half of the season shows that this team always seems to find a way to be in the mix. Then on top of that, it looks like the Marlin’s brass are loosening their purse strings a bit this off-season, pursuing big time free agents like Albert Pujols, Ryan Madson and Jose Reyes.Besides what those teams do now to contend in the future, baseball is a funny sport where pretty much anything can happen. It’s quirky and strange and sometimes one small bounce can ruin seasons or make championships. To quote the loveable baseball legend Yogi Berra:

"Fuck this Stupid Fucking Game."

Just look at this years St. Louis Cardinals who most thought weren’t even going to make it to the playoffs in September, now they’re world Series champions. Or The Rays in 2008, or the Phillies in 1993. Baseball is littered with stories of unlikely teams winning pennants.

2015: So we’ve made it this far, the Miami Gators representing the national League, the Chicago Cubs representing the American League. And yet, after everything syncs up perfectly, and just when it seems that the Cubs will fulfill the BTTF 2 prophecy and win their first world series in 105 years- The miami Gators come out and sweep the cubs easily. Why? Because the Cubs will never win a World Series ever again. This is an objective fact. The sad thing is that out of the criteria outlined above, the idea of the Cubs winning the World Series ever is easily the most outlandish.